I knew this would be hard to read so I dragged my feet but I finally got it done and am glad to have read it. Like Biz, I lost my dad. He died just over three years ago and it's been weird. My experience is different from Biz's because the circumstances are different but we both had trouble coping. How can someone exist and then not exist and how can we live and breathe when they're no longer living and breathing? How dare the fucking sun come up.
I lived for years with undiagnosed panic disorder. I don't remember the first panic attack or depressive episode but I remember pieces and I remember the fear. Dissociation didn't happen until high school (I think?) but it was quiet until it was loud when everything, the anxiety, panic, and depression, happened at the same time.
Like Biz, I had trouble knowing if a conversation happened or if I imagined it. I didn't float, but I drifted. I lived behind glass, acted like a human, responded to my name--but what is my name? -- and did all the things but couldn't do all the things.
I don't want to go into too much detail, but reading Biz's story was therapeutic. I saw myself in Biz, on paper, through words. That's important. The author wrote that she has complex PTSD, anxiety disorder, dissociative disorder, and clinic depression. This story is an accurate representation of those things, plus panic disorder.
Pease read this if you need help understanding yourself, a friend, or a stranger. Our brains do weird things to cope with trauma, grief, loss, etc. This book helps.