Make a Better Deal

filled star filled star star unfilled star unfilled star unfilled
kirasimion Avatar

By

The book could benefit from some editing.

The first line: "Nina had broken the cardinal rule, and now she had to kill someone.
Four someones, actually."
This excerpt starts off awkwardly. I enjoyed the first line as it introduces the main character who will carry the story and has an action scene (yay!) so there is no waiting for something to happen. The second line, however, does not add to the excitement as I am left wondering how old Nina is, if she really is some 'renounced' killer, and if the rest of the story will have little details like this.

It does. There are plenty of scenes that would stand better without little extra bits. The scenes themselves keep the reader interested, but the bits make the voice in my head sound awkward and the character sounds immature (which would be fine if she was not in a post apocalyptic world where she has to fend for herself and has done so already by being a badass).